Out of Order

Out of Order

I never thought I would be the kind to hold a grudge
It’s just not in my nature
Live and let live
Forgive and forget
I thought it was as simple as that
I was wrong
9 years have come and gone
9 years of hold on
9 years of trying to forget
9 years of lying to myself
I trusted you, loved you, would become anything for you
You let me believe
You told your lies too well
You left without another word
A phone call from your lover crushed my soul one night
I was left alone, punched open, gaping, bleeding
I swore no one would ever leave me so helpless again
I locked away any resemblance of who I was
Threw the tattered remnants into the dumpster and never looked back
Degradation became my bedfellow, I couldn’t sink too low
One taboo followed another, a sad procession into numbness
I let my hatred and my sorrow transform me through and through
From one who once believed in fairy tales, to little more than a public toilet
Nothing had meaning, nothing brought joy, no pain, just nothing
An empty receptacle for the mire of men’s false affections
This is where I thought I should be, more than I deserved
My most vicious grudge, it seems, was against myself
For I can’t seem to blame it on you, not anymore
You didn’t break me, I broke myself down
Piece by piece, unfixable
Forever
Out of order


*****
Yeah, so I apologize for the self-abasing tone that seems to have surfaced.
I am finding that my poetry has once again become a cathartic outlet for me.